The Joker messaged me on OKcupid

Heeeey guys let's just sidle into this room and pretend like I haven't been missing for months upon end. Let's pretend that I didn't cheat on my two girlfriends Blogger and Livejournal with my new flame, Tumblr, who is a hot-ass bitch and ready to rumble at a moment's notice. Let's pretend it didn't take me three tries to log in to this account because I almost forgot the password.

What has brought me back to my old flame? Well, as the title says, I got a message from the Joker on OKcupid.

So the OKCupid (I don't know the proper capitalization scheme so I'm just going to randomize it) account that I have was made in a fit of irritation last semester, and so far has yielded one awkward first date and not much else. I forget that I have it for weeks at a time (much like some other accounts) and then log on again when I get an email notification and go, "Oh damn, there's still not really anyone interesting on here!"

And lo, today, did I get an email that said that someone had sent me a message, and so did I hie me to okCupid to view it with mine eyes. And lo, was it some fool.

Here is a bit of TMI background information: while I am attracted to people of all genders, I do not like having things stuck up in my business, so I usually make it a practice to not date people with penises. This is in the interest of fairness to the penis-haver more than anything else. I refrain from calling myself a lesbian because A) like I said I'm attracted to all genders, and B) I would totally have sex with a pre-op trans gentleman, or a cis gentleman who doesn't want to use his penis for whatever reason.
I have this information in a somewhat more succinct manner on my OkCupid profile, in which I also mention that I'm not really looking to date men, but would be interested in meeting men to hang out with platonically. I am also listed as "Bisexual" due to lack of better options.

And so I get this fellow sending me a message, asking, (paraphrased) "You say you're bisexual, but then you won't date anyone with a penis? What's the point of dating someone if you're not going to have sex with them?" Note the lack of "Hi" or "How are you" or "You seem like an interesting person, and not a machine for me to submit questions to without even exchanging cursory pleasantries. Do you want to hang out?"

So I looked at his profile. And I discovered that he is, in fact, the Joker.

At first I laughed my ass off, and then I felt kind of bad for laughing because it's not his fault that he has a totally terrifying smile and crazy eye contact (hell, I have a weird smile, I can't point fingers), so I probably shouldn't make fun of him on the internet for it. But then I looked at his profile and decided that it was okay to make fun of him, because he turns out to be a bit charmless and I'm enough of an asshole to think he's funny.

Also: He fucks with Batman.

 So the first red flag is that OkcuPid has this system where you answer questions and then deem answers acceptable or unacceptable, which results in each profile telling you how you and the other person match up, percentage-wise.
This is my result with the Joker:

38% enemy is pretty high, for someone to check out your profile. So this is what we disagree on, in list form:

• He's transphobic (he considers sex changes "unacceptable" and believes that gender roles should not be fucked with) and homophobic (would not consider dating someone who has slept with the same sex) and a bit mysoginistic as well ("women should always shave their legs")
• Somewhat controlling/clingy (believes he should be able to forbid his significant other from talking to people, seems super, super invested in the idea of a partner, to the point of not actually wanting a life of his own outside of a relationship)
• Despite his serious investment in finding love, he's curiously sex-negative (friends with benefits are "gross" in his opinion) and is in fact a 26 year old virgin.
• He seems to believe in eugenics, based on his answer to a question about sterilizing people with low IQ's, but does not believe in messing with nature or "changing God's plan".
• He doesn't really read, so he says.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Joker.

Yeezy-us Christ

Hey guys, you know Kanye West?
Yeah, um, yeah. You do. Don't lie and say you don't know him.

So I don't listen to the guy, but I did somehow get linked to his twitter, and despite the fact that the words "twitter" and "Kanye" are enough to make me want to hang someone, I took a look, intending to do a thorough sporking of his shoddy work.
I approached it using the buddy system- I was chatting on Facebook with my friend/pen pal Alyssa at the time, screaming about how much I hate editing people's work in my writing class (that's a post for another time, but it will be good), and we started looking at the twitter. Some gems, copy/pasted for your amusement:

I feel so blessed to be a professional musician. This is really the dream. Thank you. Ima keep giving yall dope shit.
Thanks Kanye! Thanks for the dope shit!

I would like to thank Julius Caesar for originating my hairstyle

Ceasar: No, Kanye, thank you.








As pop stars we're all in this shit together! We on the inside of the TV!
This right here? Right above this line? That's when I started sort of getting Stockholm Syndrome about Kanye West.
Because...this stuff isn't just funny because it's apalling (although most of it is funny because it's apalling). There are a few posts that are funny because they're funny. I actually laughed out loud, non-ironically, a few times. But then he posts something like this:

I'm one of the most considerate people in real life. Maybe over considerate. Over caring. Overly real.
...and I'm right back to laughing my ass off.

I thought LOL signified a joke... I didn't get the 2011 LOL doesn't signify a joke anymore memo... LOL or something else I guess
BITING SOCIAL COMMENTARY GUYS

Fuck the past... Make love to the future!
And go down on the present? Or does the present just get a kiss on the cheek?

CAN WE PLEASE TOAST TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN DOUCHEBAGS TONIGHT!!!
OKAY!!!

JUST GOT TO LONDON!!! YOU KNOW I HAD TO PUT MY CAPS LOCK ON! I DON'T TYPE IN CAPS CAUSE I'M MAD I TYPE IN CAPS CAUSE I'M LAZY!!!

Why Halloween bring out girls inner hoe... I was sposed to type freak but I just typed what I really meant instead. LOL
I think I figured it out, guys. Kanye West is actually secretly a 10 year old boy.
But he has advice for everything from fashion:
Black is the new black

...to education (and humility)...
You have to balance ignorance with intellect! Can't have school with out recess! #Greatesttweetofalltime

...to art.
I love commercial art!!! I know that sounds like an oxy moron and if I spelled that wrong I just sound like a moron lol!!!


have my film air in less that 4 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm excited about the album and the film and I crazy new performance ideas!!!!
To quote Terry Pratchett: Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind. So what does 16 exclamation marks say about you? (????????!!!!!!!!!)

I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle
This is like a Mitch Hedberg joke...

hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha
hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahahahahahahah aaand 140
Guys, I could literally do this all day. What does that say about me?

But here's my number 1 favorite Kanye tweet:

WE LIVE THIS SHIT! WE EMBODY THIS SHIT! WE WOULD IDE FOR THIS SHIT SO YOU YOU CAN LIVE FOR THIS SHIT!

It was Alyssa who pointed out that he "ides" for this shit, so that "we we" can live for this shit. And thus we spent literally 15 minutes writing capslocked messages saying "I WILL IDE FOR THIS SHIT WILL YOU IDE FOR IT" and "ALYSSA IF YOU DON'T LIVE FOR THIS SHIT YOU WILL IDE FOR IT" and now we're never going to stop saying that ever so look what you've done, Kanye, look what you've done.

I'm going to leave you with two links that have to do with Kanye West and are also awesome. The first is Kanye + Comics, a tumblr that puts Kanye West lyrics on comic pages, and the second is a gallery of New Yorker cartoons with the captions replaced by Kanye tweets. I think I speak for us all when I say, Mr. West,

I WOULD IDE FOR THIS SHIT.

Smokey the Ad Campaign

Do you guys remember Smokey the Bear (or "Smokey Bear" as the main site tells me is his proper name)?

This guy:

Except recently I was wandering around the internet and I discovered that he looks like this now:

Smokey the bear is like, a bro now. GIT YER SMOKEY ON, GUYS. And that's not even talking about the new commercials he's in:

Let me tell you, there is nothing more unsettling than a ripped CGI bear wearing pants and a hat, talking with a woman's voice about fires. It's straight-up nightmare shit right there.

But maybe I'm wrong, maybe Smokey's jacked up abs aren't the worst thing that could happen. Maybe it's a step forward. Because I found this commercial that I'm fairly certain is legit, and....yeah.

Remember: Only YOU can prevent insanely bizarre ad campaigns.

EYEPOCALYPSE

So I stopped writing in this thing for a month because of NaNoWriMo (which I finished in grand style) and then didn't write in December because of finals and Christmas, and then I got busy with being in Phoenix, and so...anyway, it's not a 3 month absence because I'm posting now!

Last week I was browsing the internet, and came across this edition of the bible. It's a pretty normal New Testament except, oh, you might have noticed that HUGE WEIRD SULTRY EYE ON THE COVER.

P.S. on the back cover there's a demonic faceless zip-up hoodie. WTF.
So anyway it turns out that this is a Swedish bible-as-magazine project and contains Angelina Jolie's picture, among others, but that's a whole other essay and one I'm not going to be doing. What I did instead was post it on my bro* Florence's wall on Facebook. She then pointed out that this is basically a flipped version of the cover of the Stephenie Meyers (of Twilight fame) book The Host. Observe:

This is almost one entire person wearing makeup on one eye and not the other. Is "cover eye/face model" a job, and if so, does it pay well?

Anyway, this comparison resulted in the following conversation:

Jamie: SULTRY EYES
Jamie: ALL UP IN YOUR BUSINESS.
Florence: >:[
Florence: SO ANGRY.
Jamie: FOREVER
Jamie: *makes sultry eyes*
Florence: all up in YOUR business!
Jamie: *SULTRIES INTO THE ROOM*
Jamie: *EYES SMOULDERING*
Florence: LIESLIESLIES
Florence: TOTALLY NOT IN MY ROOM.
Florence: THERE ARE NO EYES IN THIS ROOM
Jamie: WHAT ARE YOU USING TO READ THESE WOOORDS
Jamie: OH GOD.
FlorencE: MY MIIIIIIIIIIIINDDDDDDD.
Jamie: FUCK
Florence: I AM READING THEM AS YOU THINK THEEEEEMMMMMMMM
Florence: *tweaks handlebar mustache*
Jamie: FUUUUUCK
Jamie: ARE YOU READING THE ALL CAPS IN MY MIND BECAUSE IT'S TOTALLY ALL CAPS UP IN THERE
Jamie: LIKE WHOA
Florence: I KNOW, RIGHT
Florence: and not only that, I am also thinking these words INTO BOOKFACE
Florence: IN ALL CAPS
Jamie: OH
Jamie: SHIT
Florence: you are IN TROUBLE (I guess?)
Florence: Oh yeah, I can also make parenthetical statements with my telekinetic prowess.
Jamie: I will gaze my way out with my SULTRY EYES
Jamie: They are SULTRY AS SHIT
Jamie: ALSO SMOULDERING.
Florence: oh no MY KRYPTONITE
Jamie: AND THEY FLASH SOMETIMES

This is why I love my friends so much.

*Sultries away*

*bro used entirely ironically. No bros or Florences were harmed in the making of this blog.

Next time: An exploration of other reasons I love my friends, or it might be a book anti-review, we'll see.

PSA (Peacock Service Announcement)

Guys I haven't updated this blog in a really long time and I won't be updating anytime soon (other than this update which doesn't count) because I'm doing the NaNoWriMo this month and also I'm a full-time student and living my life and I just signed on to work on a short animated film and I'm also working on a super secret project which I will not reveal on this blawg.
So like, I'm busy as hell and this is dropping by the wayside, but that's ok because the only time people read it is when I link from El-Jay!

Still, in apology, have a picture of LORD PEACOCK.

Shady Drink Recipes for your Shady Drinking Pleasure

*Editor's note: I wrote this post like 3 weeks ago on a Tuesday, and then forgot about it for quite a while. I am not in fact an alchoholic. Also these pictures were drawn 100% sober, although they're so terrible I wish I'd drawn them drunk.

Are you poor as shit but still like to drink? Are you underaged and can't buy a lot of liquors for fancy Long Island Iced Teas, no matter how delicious and magical they are?
Then this post is for you.

Very Dirty Chai
Make some chai tea from a bag or whatever, then pour a shot of original flavored Bailey's or some other coffee liqueur into it and stir. It's kind of like a really weird tasting chai latte with a shot of espresso, kind of.

Fake-ass Margarita

(this recipe only works if you live near an Eegees)

Buy a medium lemon eegee, and pour 1.5-2 shots of tequila into it. Stir well.  For added flavor, get a half-lemon, half-something else eegee! It's like a flavored margarita, and the people at Eegees do most of the work for you!

This makes you super drunk so you might want to not drink it on school nights like I'm doing right now.

Teenage Memories

Mix a shot of Everclear (ONE SHOT ONLY) with a tall glass of whatever juice you happen to have- I prefer orange juice, my friend Andrew is a cranberry juice man. Toast to your old friends in high school who once brought a bottle of Everclear to school and were completely shitfaced in half an hour.

Variation: Everlaid, which is a shot of Everclear into a tall glass of kool-aid. Similar but even more low-rent if possible. Credit where credit is due, my friend Ash came up with this one.

Refrigerator Roulette
Fill a small glass with one shot out of every alchohol in your fridge or freezer. Drink very, very quickly. Use the strongest-flavored nonalchoholic beverage in your fridge as a chaser.

If anyone else has a favorite terrible cheap drink recipe, feel free to comment or email me or something, and I'll totally add it to the list!

Buh-bye, Blaine

Yesterday I had to evict my roomate.
Blaine has been camped out in my bathroom since the last update, just chilling, and when I took a shower yesterday morning I spent the entire time staring at him, hoping against hope that he wouldn't run into the tub and drown at my very feet.
The final straw was that he ran under my feet again as I was getting out of the shower, and I decided that for his own safety, he had to go.



So here he is in this jar, glaring at me. Like I said in the video, he was easy to catch- I sort of poked him into the glass with the cardboard package of the cd I got when I got wireless internet, and then took him outside and dumped him on the pavement by the front of our duplex.

Naturally I miss him now. He was a very good roomate, pretty chill and all, despite his shenanigans. And of course on the first night after his eviction, I find THE BIGGEST CRICKET ALIVE hanging out on one of the very pieces of paper I laid down to keep track of Blaine. I squashed it while screaming curse words at it (I've had a rough day, it was very therapeutic) which I should have also videotaped.

Obviously this is a sign that I've made the wrong choice, but Blaine is long gone by now, so I'll have to hope for another lizard roomate soon.