PSA (Peacock Service Announcement)

Guys I haven't updated this blog in a really long time and I won't be updating anytime soon (other than this update which doesn't count) because I'm doing the NaNoWriMo this month and also I'm a full-time student and living my life and I just signed on to work on a short animated film and I'm also working on a super secret project which I will not reveal on this blawg.
So like, I'm busy as hell and this is dropping by the wayside, but that's ok because the only time people read it is when I link from El-Jay!

Still, in apology, have a picture of LORD PEACOCK.

Shady Drink Recipes for your Shady Drinking Pleasure

*Editor's note: I wrote this post like 3 weeks ago on a Tuesday, and then forgot about it for quite a while. I am not in fact an alchoholic. Also these pictures were drawn 100% sober, although they're so terrible I wish I'd drawn them drunk.

Are you poor as shit but still like to drink? Are you underaged and can't buy a lot of liquors for fancy Long Island Iced Teas, no matter how delicious and magical they are?
Then this post is for you.

Very Dirty Chai
Make some chai tea from a bag or whatever, then pour a shot of original flavored Bailey's or some other coffee liqueur into it and stir. It's kind of like a really weird tasting chai latte with a shot of espresso, kind of.

Fake-ass Margarita

(this recipe only works if you live near an Eegees)

Buy a medium lemon eegee, and pour 1.5-2 shots of tequila into it. Stir well.  For added flavor, get a half-lemon, half-something else eegee! It's like a flavored margarita, and the people at Eegees do most of the work for you!

This makes you super drunk so you might want to not drink it on school nights like I'm doing right now.

Teenage Memories

Mix a shot of Everclear (ONE SHOT ONLY) with a tall glass of whatever juice you happen to have- I prefer orange juice, my friend Andrew is a cranberry juice man. Toast to your old friends in high school who once brought a bottle of Everclear to school and were completely shitfaced in half an hour.

Variation: Everlaid, which is a shot of Everclear into a tall glass of kool-aid. Similar but even more low-rent if possible. Credit where credit is due, my friend Ash came up with this one.

Refrigerator Roulette
Fill a small glass with one shot out of every alchohol in your fridge or freezer. Drink very, very quickly. Use the strongest-flavored nonalchoholic beverage in your fridge as a chaser.

If anyone else has a favorite terrible cheap drink recipe, feel free to comment or email me or something, and I'll totally add it to the list!

Buh-bye, Blaine

Yesterday I had to evict my roomate.
Blaine has been camped out in my bathroom since the last update, just chilling, and when I took a shower yesterday morning I spent the entire time staring at him, hoping against hope that he wouldn't run into the tub and drown at my very feet.
The final straw was that he ran under my feet again as I was getting out of the shower, and I decided that for his own safety, he had to go.



So here he is in this jar, glaring at me. Like I said in the video, he was easy to catch- I sort of poked him into the glass with the cardboard package of the cd I got when I got wireless internet, and then took him outside and dumped him on the pavement by the front of our duplex.

Naturally I miss him now. He was a very good roomate, pretty chill and all, despite his shenanigans. And of course on the first night after his eviction, I find THE BIGGEST CRICKET ALIVE hanging out on one of the very pieces of paper I laid down to keep track of Blaine. I squashed it while screaming curse words at it (I've had a rough day, it was very therapeutic) which I should have also videotaped.

Obviously this is a sign that I've made the wrong choice, but Blaine is long gone by now, so I'll have to hope for another lizard roomate soon.

Blaine Returns

Yesterday I was walking into the bathroom, wearing socks, and as I put my foot on the tile, I thought I'd stepped on something. I lifted it and Blaine shot out from under my foot and glared at me reproachfully from the corner of the bathroom.

Luckily I hadn't stepped on him hard enough to do any damage, or so it seems. But he seemed pretty pissed, and I don't really blame him. Most people don't step on their roomates. However, this time he seemed content to hang out where he was for a few minutes, so I grabbed my camera and took a little video of him.

So that's my roomate, clearly pictured for the very first time! Here's a few stills of him:

 

I've put papers by all the exits from under my bed (my bed is weird, it's too complicated to explain right now) so that I can hear him run out from under there. I'm trying to minimize the risk of me standing on the poor guy. Meanwhile, his current whereabouts are unknown, but he certainly isn't in the bathroom anymore- I did a clean sweep before I showered this morning. And let me tell you this: If there's a Psycho-style incident where he shows up while I'm in the shower, he's going to be out on his tail before you can say "evicted".

Quote of the week (of the year?)

I am using pseudonyms to protect the innocent, and because the lady in question is a working woman and all.

So I'm at Lana and Ethan's house (see what I did there, guys?) with some people, drinking margaritas and playing Apples To Apples. Lana, who teaches high school, is talking about a female student who is probably in love with her- like, seriously. This student (who we'll call Girl X) hugs her from behind unexpectedly, looks through her stuff because she "wants to know her", and is generally hot for teacher. Girl X also apparently was one of the only people in Lana's class wearing purple on Spirit Day.
A few seconds later, after Ethan and I marvel at how Lana's more drunk than us (which never happens), he starts talking about this program he's helping the university with, called Student Portal. Lana, from the other end of the table, sings out, "I'll show you my student portal!"

In light of the previous conversation, this may qualify for quote of the year.

My new roomate

This morning I was doing something online and heard a faint rustling in the corner of my room. This was my reaction:

Perhaps I should mention that my house is terrifying as fuck, especially since my roomate Kat left for California last month. The water heater makes terrifying sounds, the doorframes creak, and before she left, Kat managed to totally creep me out by saying that the randomly placed nails in the walls were being pushed out. So stupid, but so terrifyingly Lovecraftian at the same time.
Anyway, that's why I reacted to a rustling in my corner by first leaping out of my skin, then slowly, cautiously peering around the corner of my bed as if a face hugger was hiding in the corner of my room.

At first I didn't see anything but my usual messy floor, random clothes, etc. But then, perched on a plastic bag of knitting, I saw...the creature.

He was about the size of my thumb, at most. Like, tiny. Adorable. I see these little baby lizards all around the outside of the house, but I have no idea how this dude got inside. So of course I ran to the kitchen to get a jar and try and take him outside. Where I super failed, however, was in forgetting to block off the bottom of my bed, and he darted under there where I couldn't reach him. Troubled in my mind, I left for school.

I didn't want this dude to die under my bed, and I wanted even less to step on him. There's nothing worse than stepping on a dang lizard in your own home. It's crass.
By the time I came home I had thought of a name for him. My naming process was literally this:

And so I guess the ideal name was Blaine. Blaine the soon-to-be-dead lizard.

I figured there was nothing I could do about him, other than discover his remains later, so I threw my crap on my bed and got back on the computer, as is my wont. And then around 5.45, I heard a telltale shuffling, this time on the other corner of my bed, the one near my computer chair.

It was Blaine, making a break for it but unfortunately more interested in dancing on an old receipt than actually leaving.
I stopped breathing. I made shooing motions at him with my hands. I willed him, mentally, to keep going.

He stood very still, and then ran back under the bed.

Now I was thinking that I'd have a new pet. This guy had apparently decided to become my new roomate, although the chances of him subletting from Kat were fairly slim.
But then again, about 10 minutes later, I heard some more scrabbling, this time from over by my printer. So Blaine is a fucking ninja, not like lizards are exactly loud. This time my game was to keep doing what I was doing, and secretly focus all my attention on listening to discover his whereabouts. And sure enough, in the next five minutes or so, Blaine had traveled behind my computer desk to crouch by my wastebasket, where I tried to photograph him.

This is what I got before he started suddenly hauling ass for the living room. I ran after him, hoping to open the door so he could get out into the world, but when I turned on the light in the living room (I keep most of the lights off to save on electricity) he was nowhere to be seen.

So that's where we are right now: Blaine is out of my room and into my house. Maybe the next time I open my door he'll make a break for it, but until then I think I have finally found a new roomate. Blaine is so far kind of a freeloader, not paying rent or anything, but on the other hand he's pretty unobtrusive and certainly doesn't make a mess or take up space.

For now, Blaine is going to become a co-star in this blog, just like LORD PEACOCK and Young Jamie. If he moves out I'll probably keep you updated on what he's up to, because I feel like even after he moves out, we're going to hang out every once in a while. I'm not going to ask him to his face about his species, because I think it might be a little racist and I don't want to offend him, but I think he's either a common side-blotched lizard or an elegant earless lizard. I'm thinking it's the second, because he doesn't seem terribly common. In fact he does have a peculiar sort of elegance as he ninjas around the house.

We may have had a sort of rough start, but now that Blaine's moved into Kat's old room, I think we may have the start of something beautiful.

Cream Oil AGONY

Today I was reading the internet and I found this:

Seems relatively okay as an add, except look at her face. Something is going on under those bubbles and whatever it is, it hurts. Either that or she just broke her wrist opening a bottle of Elegant Luxury bodywash and that's why she's holding it all pained-looking.
There are only two reasons why someone would use a photo of a woman obviously grimacing in pain.

A. It's a cautionary tale

Obviously if you don't buy the Cream Oil body wash (in a captivating NEW scent!!) your skin will crack, dry, and cause you agony every time you submerge your body in bubbles. The soap will get in your wounds and inflame them, and you will be left wondering, "Why, oh why, didn't I chose Dove?"

B. It's a threat

Middle School Lulz, part 2

Once again, these are all from my old middle school diary, illustrated sarcastically by myself. All spelling mistakes and hystrionics are from the original text.

From 6/17/04

There is no justice in the world. Mother cut off the cable so there’s no more MTV, and everyone is mad because I waited on laundry. Plus, Allie and I were supposed to go to Van Helsing today and she never called back, so we can’t go this week. I know I’ve been saying it every entry but it’s not fair.



From 7/3

Well, I have fulfilled all the basic requirements of punk-ness. I have been to a concert, I wear the clothes, I am a dark and tortured individual, I am in a band (such as it is…) I listen to the music, and I have punk friends. Go me!



From 7/25

On another note, how do girls masterbate? I know guys squeeze their dicks and stuff but I don’t know about girls even tho I am one. I want to masterbate!

 

From an undated entry sometime in November probably?

I cut my hair since I got mad and now it looks like shit. I look like shit. Life is shit. I’m so fucking bored I could die.

From 5/4/05

So yeah, still delicate, silent, watchful. I have to get up early tomorrow and burn a DVD. I sent an email to all my friends that told about how they’ve been ignoring me. All the secrets are out, all there is in me that’s private now is cobwebs

 



From 5/5

I can’t wait for summer, everything will be ok when I get to summer.

From 7/17 (the next entry)

Summer fucking sucks.

Sadly there will be no part three, as that's where I got a xanga. Remind me, by the way, to take a look at/illustrate that xanga...

Middle School Lulz, part 1

Originally posted 9/20/10, and this is the last of the El-Jay reposts

When I went home over labor day weekend, I stumbled upon a ratty binder which I had once sliced up with an Xacto blade in a fit of adolescent rage. Inside that binder was the diary I kept from 2003-2005, pretty sporadically and always overdramatically.
In a fit of post-adolescent giggles, I went through those 2 years of comedy material and present to you the best of my middle school journal. All spelling and punctuation mistakes are as in the original.
And, since it might not be as interesting to people other than me, I've also illustrated it.

From 10/12/probably 2003

Have commited myself to becoming a goth. Black, red, and heavy makeup just attract me. Need black jeans….prize pup use less. Shit. End now.

 

From 11/3

We’re making a memorial quilt [for sept. 11] in art. The guy said that while doing it we might cry, but I don’t cry anymore, not really, with tears and sobs and noise. I’m always or almost always crying on the inside. I’d get dehydrated if I actually shed tears. I forgot my math homework over the weekend.

 

From 11/18

I want to stick out so much at a school where everyone is the same. Maybe when I get done w/ this journal and get it mailed to me when I’m like 22 I’ll get it published. I mean babysitter’s club got published so this has to have a chance.

 

From 12/28

The last few days- a week really- have been a mix of Heaven and Hell. Right now- Hell. To the unth degree.  I can’t find: A.) my bras, B.) my cds, C.) my retainer, and I’m going to D.) Nana’s house for E.) overnight , and- AND!- I have to F.) go to a full hour of shitty church. If God doesn’t help me find my bras, why should I worship Him?

 

From 12/29

I have new pants- black and gothic, duh- and I’m saving up for another pair that mother won’t buy because they drag on the floor. I also bought a black jacket. I look so gothic. Go me!

 

From 1/1/04

I hate it when people are obsessed with things. Kristin is obsessed with Elijah Wood, and, even more annoying, being fake obsessed with LOTR. It really ticks me off because I love it more than she does. I just don’t act like it because I have to throw myself into everyday life to survive. Yes I mean survive. If I think about that kind of thing too much I’ll seriously think my life sucks so much by comparison, I’ll kill myself. Yes, I’m insane. No, I’m not truly happy. Deep down inside, are you?

 

From 2/20

I’m becoming a different person, and I don’t like that person very much. Yes that sounds overdramatic. I don’t act polite to people I hate- about most of the 8^th grade, I get really annoyed about things that have been happening forever, I fall for random guys, and I can’t get David to laugh. On the other hand, I write some kick-ass sonnets. Yes, sonnets. Don’t ask. NOTHING…INTERESTING…HAPPENS…TO…ME!!!!!

It’s very frusterating.

 

Tune in soon for part 2!!

Uh what?

Originally posted 9/19/10

I should start looking through my old files more often, apparently it's a freaking gold mine. First LORD PEACOCK and now this?



I don't know what the fuck this comic means but I like it.
Hopefully everything else saved on my computer is this incomprehensible and absurd.

The Cream of the University Elite

Originally posted 9/2/10

THIS IS HELL OF NSFW SO WATCH YOURSELF GUYS. Also hell of racist, transphobic, and homophobic, but in a mildly funny way I suppose?

So recently I was at the university library, in the insanely tiny comic section, and I happened to pick up a book called Dangerous Ink, a book of interviews with underground cartoonists. They had interviews with Chris Ware, Keith Mayerson, Phoebe Gloekner, and Dan Clowes, all of whom I'm pretty interested in.
It's a pretty average book, but it became suddenly extremely interesting when I got to the section where they interviewed Julie Doucet, the artist and writer of Dirty Plotte. She happened to be the first female interviewee in the book and as I flipped through the pages, I noticed that beside a picture of her from behind, someone had written commentary about her ass.
From this point forward, the book was filled with commentary, mostly sexual, and mostly totally balls-to-the-wall.
I swear to god this is a true story, and in the tradition of the internet, I come bearing scans.

 

They get better (I'm not sure if that's the right word?)

Also about Doucet. Suddenly he seems to be channelling a lot of rage?!

 

That's cartoonist Chester Brown's girlfriend, who is sticking a feeding tube into a sick cat in the photo.

Oh, and that's not the only awesome racist thing that gets written:

Yes that is totally for real. On the bottom of the page it said someting about "fine black poosay" but my scanner fucked it up...

He also has some feelings about gays, and "transgendites" which sounds like a type of microbe more than anything.

There were also a million drawings of penises (peni?), curiously well drawn and realistic, but alas I cannot find an image hosting site which will let me post the pictures.

 

I don't even know how I feel about this, guys. It's kind of funny but what you didn't know is that I just scanned the choice bits...he had something written on almost every single page! But, of course, only on the interviews with cartoonists who were gay, female, or non-white. The only white, straight, male interview he drew on was Chester Brown's, which was the photo of the asian woman above.

You guys, this book was at a college library. This is crazy right? Like, totally crazy.

The LORD PEACOCK saga (which is a very short saga)

On August 30th I posted this on my old El-Jay:

Also, I just found a word file saved under the name "comic book names", and when I opened it all it said was "LORD PEACOCK" in all caps.
And thus was a legend born.
Within a few days I had amassed five comments (a record for me) from people proclaiming their love, devotion, surprise, and excitement about this LORD PEACOCK character. So, a few days later, I posted this:

Because I'm silly and overcaffienated and have poor priorities, I decided to postpone my art homework that's due tomorrow at 8 am and instead stay up til 1.30 in the morning making this:

LORD PEACOCK
 

I am pleased as punch that you guys are as excited about this dude as I am, because I am pretty damn excited about him. But why is he wrongly colored, why is his coloration nothing like a regular peacock? (you may ask)

He is not a normal peacock. He is LORD PEACOCK and he is GLORIOUS. 

He is a bird of exquisitely refined tastes, his pipe is a bubble pipe and he has a monocle. I was wrestling with giving him an old-timey moustache but I think that would be too much for our delicate brains.

 

LORD PEACOCK is still stealing hearts around the globe, and he is my mascot currently, and probably the mascot of this blog. And actually, probably the mascot of everything.

The New Blog

After trying to steer my livejournal in a less personal, less whiny, and more generally interesting direction, I decided it would instead be far easier to make a whole new blawg for interesting public things, and abandon the El-Jay to sink back into a cesspool of despair and memes. This is better.

I am Jamie P, I am a university student who likes art, writing, comics, and finding neat things online. I also like...cussing, drinking, and giving out too much information, so if that is not for you, this blog is probably not for you.

I'm going to start by reposting some of my more successful recent El-Jay entries, and then start posting new, exciting, sexy posts for you guys! Thrilling eh? I will try and have good adventures so that I can recount them on this blawg, but if I can't be entertaining then perhaps I will have two places on the internet to whine. It's a win-win situation (no it isn't).